Good, so you like your children. They’re not that bad once you get used to them. Maybe once in a while, when you’ve lost your back scratcher, you can trick the seven-year-old into doing the job for you. Your five-year-old sometimes remembers to feed the dog, and watching iCarly reruns lets you relive the outrageously rakish childhood you never had.
But let’s be real. Moments are few and far between, it’s only Tuesday, you’re not feeling appreciated and your progeny are driving you crazy. What should a cultured couple do? Get out of Dodge.
Take a moment to reflect on that suggestion. Work hard to pay off that $250k student loan debt that everyone said you’d be a fool not to take out. You haven’t even smelled a weed joint since that getaway behind the Tri-Delt sorority house in 1989. You keep buying Bud Light to save pennies in case one of the little angels needs major orthodontic work before you get here. to the highschool. For the sake of all that is supposed to be good in the world, it’s time to treat yourself. I’m not talking about a simple flirtation with the dark side, but a complete immersion in the decadence of what it should be like to be an adult.
Now, just like dropping acid, you don’t want to do this alone. Catch up and join some poor souls who are in the same boat as you. The best results come from spontaneously jumping on the back of the moped and ending up in who-knows-where, but if you’re having trouble thinking outside the box, here’s my list of the most epic adventures that could happen if you just let your flag fly. abnormal.
#1- The road trip
Remember when you were 18 and you took your girlfriend of 14 years across the state lines to West Virginia for some alone time? Well saddle up mate – time to turn off the GPS and head south. North Gold. Or whatever direction your inner Rasputin tells you. Leaving your comfort zone behind alleviates the annoying requests: ‘You’ve been here before. Is the poached armadillo good?
#2- Are you really going to eat that?
The world is a tasty morsel waiting to be put on your plate, and rumor has it that there are places serving up delicacies you only read about in National Geographic. Steamed lobster. Asparagus with hollandaise sauce. Corn Fritters: Any city is home to at least one secret eating establishment meant to test your gastric fortitude. Scour the streets outside of the city center for non-English signs where empty tables can be seen through the windows. This, my friend, is where you want to eat, and you’ll bore people for years with your stories of nan bread and tabboi that taste like goat feed.
#3- Don’t be an idiot
Really. I strongly suggest you don’t act like a camel’s foreskin. This is a great mixed doubles activity if done right, and alienating others in your group is not recommended.
#4- Etiquette, you are defacing private property
For this one, everyone should dress to match with gray sweats and black skinny jeans. Who cares if you bought them at Old Navy? Then hit your local paint store (always buy local, as big box stores are the devil incarnate) or raid your dad’s garage for an assortment of colorful spray paints. Once you’re properly equipped, find a blank wall where you can express your anxious collaborative awareness to the world. Enjoy a quiet game of ‘narcotics against the neighbors’, complete with a catchphrase like ‘Bob Johnson cheats on his taxes’ or ‘my shit is bigger than yours’. The winner is decided by who is the last to catch the police.
#5- Build a Treefort
I know, it sounds pretty tame, but you have to look at the big picture. Where should I go? Is there enough space to play hide and seek for the salami? Can you take advantage of the deed to support the mortgage on your house? Are the windows well spaced to allow the bottle rockets to aim correctly?
#6- Role play
Skip the knights and damsels in distress and head straight for the realm of cutting-edge art sales. Start by photocopying their faces, elaborate with some markers for accents, and voila! Each person can choose a corner in the center to settle. At the end of an hour, whoever has made the most money without getting arrested wins!
#7- Do not drink and drive
This little piece of logic goes along with #1. #3, since you don’t want to be a jerk. Hailing a cab at the end of a debacle, however, isn’t what real winners do; instead, find a keyless car with one or two big back seats (preferably not owned by someone you know) where everyone can sleep. off. The idea of taking aim at a stranger because it’s just that: your aim is off and you’ll throw up inside at 4 in the morning before you figure out how to open the door. You wouldn’t want to have to explain it to a friend, would you?
Take some time to plan a fun night out with friends soon, you deserve it.