Jealousy, do you feel it? Do you feel it in others? Does it hinder your relationships with other musicians? Does it take away your confidence? Does it block your creativity? Here are some questions to help clear up the jealousy in your life.
1. What is my jealousy trying to teach me? Generally, when I have a strong emotion towards a specific person it is because that person represents something about me that I cannot yet tolerate or because that person embodies something that I wish I could do or have. I remember being in a high school arts program and being incredibly envious of a fellow singer. What I was so painfully aware of (although I couldn’t have expressed it at the time) was that this person could fully express himself and his talents, and I couldn’t. I was a better singer at home in my bedroom than in front of other people, and that’s what I couldn’t bear about the situation. By doing what I couldn’t do, he highlighted my biggest challenge. It made it practically impossible to have a good relationship with her.
2. How can I identify with this person as a fellow musician, rather than comparing our work? What opportunities are there for collaboration, mutual support and the exchange of ideas? Can I open myself up to receiving gifts from this person: feedback, support, and love? What can I, in turn, give this person? Even the most famous and successful musician is a human being like you. Find the connection. What can I give a musician newer than me?
3. How can I develop confidence in my unique message and express it authentically? I will never sound like this other musician, or like anyone else. Influences can be heard, comparisons will inevitably be made, but my words will never come out exactly like theirs, because my “story”, my life, my experiences, my collection of qualities, strengths and challenges are completely unique to me. When I honor my uniqueness, my confidence increases and it makes no sense to compare myself with others, there is no comparison. This quote from Martha Graham explains more what I mean.
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a revival, that translates through you into action, and because there is only one of you at all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world won’t have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is or how valuable it is or how it compares to other expressions. It is your business to keep it clear and straightforward, to keep the channel open. – Martha Graham, quoted by Agnes DeMille, Martha: the life and work of Martha Graham
4. How can I divert my attention from this other person and go back to what I can do to promote my own success and creative fulfillment? If I’m jealous of someone winning a songwriting contest, I may wonder: how many songwriting contests have I entered? If I’m jealous of the size of his fanbase, I may ask myself: how am I attracting new fans and how am I deepening my relationship with the ones I have now? If I am jealous of the number of songs they have written, I may ask myself: what do I choose to do with my time instead of writing songs?
5. Now that I have learned from it, how can I let go of my jealousy? Often in life we hold on to emotions long after they have served their purpose. They become comfortable, familiar, and safer than doing work to get to the other side of them. And yet they can also overwhelm us and block our creativity. Try the FEEL analogy. First, feel your feeling, don’t hold it back, allow yourself to feel it. Then express the feeling: write about it, sing about it, talk about it with someone you trust, play it on an instrument, or express it in art. Next, explore the feeling – what is he trying to teach you, etc. as discussed above. And finally let it go. This can be as simple as saying a short sentence or affirmation (“I have let go of my jealousy”, or “I have valuable and unique gifts to offer”), or writing the sentiment on a piece of paper and tearing it up.
Jealousy has a lot to teach us. So when it appears in your life, pay attention. If you notice jealousy in others, put yourself in their shoes and help them identify with you. Reveal your humanity. Let them know they have something to offer you.