When I ask individuals or couples to define intimacy, they often associate intimacy with some form of sex. Sex can be intimate, but intimacy need not be sexual, romantic, or even involve physical affection.
Intimacy requires at least two people because intimacy involves sharing with an “other.” It can involve a partner, parent, co-worker, friend, even a pet! It can take various forms, depending on the type of relationship.
Intimacy is an act of sharing the most intimate part of your being. Intimacy can be shared in a healthy way when the relationship that sustains it includes mutual acceptance, commitment, tenderness, and trust.
You may seek intimacy in your relationships, yet have difficulty finding, sharing, and feeling real intimacy with others. Do you find yourself wondering, “Why do I still feel lonely even when I’m with someone?”
The answer may have to do with risk. One of the fundamental components of intimacy is the willingness to allow yourself to be vulnerable. If you fear vulnerability, then you fear intimacy even though you crave it.
Intimate sharing involves self-disclosure. You may want to tell your partner something about yourself that is private. An example might be a story about how your older brother repeatedly made fun of your weight as a child and how it affects you now. You may not get naked in front of anyone anymore because you feel ashamed of your body and that you are going to be ridiculed.
The risk involved is that you don’t know if your partner is ready to hear what you have to share, and you don’t know how your partner would respond. Would your partner ignore it, think you should “just let it go,” or would your partner feel sorry for you?
This risk of uncertainty can prevent you from establishing honest relationships with your partner, parents, or friends. Instead of revealing yourself, you walk around with an “everything is fine” mask.
Declaring how you really feel about something is another act of intimacy. How many times do you hold back what you might really have to say to someone? Maybe you feel lonely when your partner sits in front of the TV all night. Dare you say this? Maybe you feel loved when your partner surprises you making dinner. Do you share that with him/her?
Whether you choose to share your anger, disappointment, and pain, or love, commitment, and joy, every time you share your truth with someone, you bring intimacy into your life.
When you let others in, to experience who you really are, you establish true intimacy. When you give yourself permission to do this, you may feel full instead of empty, connected instead of alone.
You may also discover that when you genuinely share yourself with others, you give permission for others to reveal themselves to you. From this, your relationships will feel richer and more rewarding!